It’s hard being the girl who is 110%. The girl who would move heaven and earth and anything in between to make her friends happy. The girl who chases after friendships and pours her all into them. The girl who does all of this and doesn’t ask for anything in return. She’s a bit proud of her loyalty. When she befriends someone, she intends to keep them as a friend for life, or for as long as possible.
But it takes a toll on her. She puts on a smile when someone bails and says “It’s okay, I get it,” but late at night, the tears come hard and fast, and she wonders why she isn’t enough. When people just walk out of her life with no followup, no “hey, it’s been awhile,” no explanation; she struggles to feel like she’s enough. When all she gets is a “maybe next time,” she knows that it means never and maybe she should just give up.
I know exactly how she feels because I too am that 110% girl.
It’s hard to talk or write about this because it feels like I’m complaining. I hear myself voice these feelings and I feel ashamed. I have really great friends in my life who have supported me. I have friends who I don’t see that often, but we can pick up right where we left off. For that I am grateful. These people remind me I am enough.
But on the days when I reach out to a few people who have disappeared from my life and I get the feeling they’re okay with things staying that way, those are the hard days. Because I find it so hard to let people drift out of my life, I have a really hard time when people so easily let me slip out of theirs.
But I also don’t want to be intrusive. I don’t want to be the friend who forces others to spend time with someone they don’t want to. I don’t want to always be the first to text someone or initiate plans. I don’t want to chase people. It’s exhausting.
It’s exhausting because sometimes I wonder if I stop chasing people, will I lose them? If I stop initiating, will they just assume I don’t care anymore? I’m afraid that if I don’t reach out, I’ll realize that this friendship was one sided and the reason they even did things with me was because I asked and they didn’t want to hurt me by saying no. I don’t really want to find that out, to be honest.
But what I (and others) need to remember is that my worth is not dependent on what others do or how they react. And because I give 110%, people in my life know my loyalty and care for them as people. I can live with that comfort, and remember that on days when giving 110% is especially hard
Look, you love harder than anyone I know. It’s tough to match.”
– Ann Perkins, Parks and Recreation
Some of us love harder than others. Because sometimes, people need that constant reminder that they’re valued. And if I am the one to remind them of that, then I will continue to channel my inner Leslie Knope and love hard.