Just Be a Flower

The last four-five months have been a complete whirlwind of emotions and I fear that if I don’t write them out, I will never feel better.

At the end of November, our pastor retired. Change is so hard for me and yet I knew it was inevitable. I am so grateful to have had the privilege to work for him and soak up all his wisdom and knowledge. I think our church is adjusting to our new normal, and we’re excited for our future.

I finished up my semester in December. It was such a good one. Two online and one in class made it a fairly easy-ish semester. However around the same time, my Grandma began to have some serious health problems. She couldn’t keep food down and lost a bunch of weight. I though this Christmas was the beginning of the end. And it may be, but as of now, she’s doing better.

January brought on most of the emotions. I decided in December to move to Lancaster City with a close friend from church. Packing everything up was exhausting and emotionally draining, but I was really excited to be a city dweller. After I returned from a spectacular trip to Los Angelas, I officially moved in. Around that same time, my grandpa caught the dreaded flu. I literally was boarding a plane to go back home when I found out. It was pretty bleak for a few weeks. I once again thought this was the beginning of the end. It’s been so hard working through these feelings. I was okay saying goodbye. I was preparing for it. But just like Grandma, he’s bounced back like a champ. Mostly. He’s definitely weaker than he was, but he made it to 96! It’s great and all, but I now am adjusting back to having him here for longer. It’s just a rollercoaster of ups and downs.  Meanwhile, church and work had some things going on that I can’t go into, but lets just say January was really rough. February was a bit brighter… and March is finally here.

On top of all this, I have learned just how hard relationships really are. I’ve never really divulged my relationships on here because, well, I usually have no idea what to say. But here goes. I met this great guy a few months ago and we hit it off quite well. He’s kind, he’s funny, and smart. He made me forget about the last guy, who was 100% not worth my time, but I wasted two years of feelings on him. So here enters this other guy who even hit one of those little things I’ve wanted since I was much younger when it came to dating someone. And I think it might be mutual. But of course as my luck goes, he moved away, because that’s just how things go for me. And I was so determined to finally, finally, be brave enough to tell someone how I actually feel about them and could I? Absolutely not. I regret it so much and knew that I would, but I still kept it locked up. I know part of why I stayed quiet was because he left. I didn’t want to add to whatever he might have felt about moving with my feelings toward him on top of all that, but now I feel like I should’ve just gone for it. The other part of why I didn’t say anything is because what if it was all in my head and it was definitely not mutual? My lifelong fear of rejection will forever be the thorn in my side.

If you got through all my ramblings, bless you. My head feels lighter and my heart feels freer, even if there are still things struggling to get out. If I can leave you with anything, it’s: don’t be a Karen and keep feelings bottled up..because you never know what will happen.


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