Orange

Yesterday instead of working, I got to hang out with some of our kids and youth ministry leaders and volunteers from church and attend a conference in Lancaster called Orange Tour. There were so many great speakers all in one place and it just what this semi-newbie senior high Sunday school teacher needed to hear. The theme this year focused on what it means to be a neighbor. It comes at a very fitting time in our world today. With so much division and hate, I think we have forgotten what being a neighbor looks like.

Because I’m still processing (as usual…), I thought I’d just throw out some of the things that really jumped out at me.

While all the speakers were excellent, one of my favorite speakers was Jon Acuff. I have been following Jon’s work for a few years and he’s quite the inspiration to me as a writer and editor. (Side note/shameless plug: My friend Sheri wrote a book called Dear Ellie and I had the joy of editing it! You can find it here: Dear Ellie.He has some great books out right now such as Finish, Start (ironic that those followed each other), Quitter, and Do Over. His main session talked about goals and how we are terrible at following through with goals. 92% of New Year’s resolutions fail by the third week of January! I don’t even make resolutions because of that fact. It was really awesome to put a voice to a writer and he was as funny as I expected. Here are some of the high points from Jon’s talk.

  • “Starting is fun but the future belongs to finishers.”
  • “You remember the goals you don’t finish. Goals you don’t finish don’t disappear. They become ghosts that haunt you.”
  • “Nothing attracts new ideas like trying to finish an old one. Don’t let “what’s next” distract you from “what’s now.” Don’t shame the new idea. Put it aside until you’re finished.”
  • “Make it fun if you want it done.”
  • “There are things in your day that aren’t fun. Let’s be honest- kale isn’t fun.” (I disagree.)
  • “Atheists don’t say “I don’t know your Lord, but man do Christians have fun!”
  • “Nothing demoralizes a team like a leader who picks the wrong size goals.”
  • “If you can’t stop everything, simplify it.”
  • “Borrow someone else’s diploma. Learn from others. Ask other churches how they grew.”

There was much more to the conference than just Jon’s sessions. I also went to hear Tasha Morrison talk about “Coming to the Table” and how that ties into being a neighbor. She talked a lot about how to do this in terms of racial reconciliation. She stressed how important it is to listen. It is so key to just listen to concerns and hear about people’s experiences. She has a great curriculum out about racial reconciliation that I’d love to dive in to. Something she said echoed what I learned in my psychology of racism class.

Don’t be color blind. Be color caring. Be color caring.”

When we’re color blind, we’re essentially ignoring cultures and things that the cultures bring to our world. We need to celebrate those things. Being color brave and color caring means looking beyond something like skin color and embracing each person for who they are as people. If we ever hope to bring reconciliation, we need to start seeing each as people. And the church needs to step up and get things started. We unfortunately are not doing nearly enough as we should.

I came away from this conference feeling more renewed and also excited for all that God has planned for our church. We have a lot of changes happening, but I think they are good changes, even if I hate to see certain people move on. I’m there are bigger and better things to come and I’m excited to see what they are.

 

 

 

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Silence

I started working for my church in June. Back when I was working at another church, I always wished to work for this church. It honestly makes things so much easier. I can’t claim to know nearly everyone who attends this church, but I have a much better idea of who people are compared to the last job. I get to work with people I have looked up to in leadership and that has helped me feel more at home in the congregation. We even have a courtyard, which is pretty cool. Have I utilized it yet? No. But I will.

I also have the opportunity on very quiet, slow days to take a few minutes to just sit in silence and think. On most week days, the sanctuary is empty and eerily quiet, perfect for contemplation.

Last week, I was brooding over things  while working in the office. I had gone outside to get the mail, and wandered through the sanctuary on my way back to my office. I’m not entirely sure what led me to walk through the sanctuary, possibly the fact that earlier it was full of energetic children practicing for their upcoming musical.

I slowly wandered through the room, only lit by the sun streaming through the windows. It struck me how much different it can feel on a Wednesday afternoon than it does on a Sunday morning. There is a rush of activity and so many people in the sanctuary before the service begins. But on Wednesday afternoons, there is stillness and peace.

I almost felt as if I shouldn’t be in the sanctuary. But at the same time, a calmness swept over me. I sat down on a bench for a moment and then decided to lay down on my back.

When I was a child learning how to pray, I somehow picked up the habit of looking up to the ceiling or sky, depending on my surroundings. I know most people bow their heads. But as a child, I pictured God living above us in the sky. So naturally I looked above when praying.

As I lay on that bench, I stared at the white ceiling above me. I don’t know what I even said to God; I think he said more to me than I said to him. I do remember the calmness and serenity washing over me.

My life can be so busy that I forget to take the time to listen. I am a good listener to my friends, but I don’t always listen so well to the spirit. The spirit isn’t tangibly in front of me so it’s easy to forget about it. But taking even just those five minutes in the day to listen, nudged me to want that more.

Our world is constantly yelling at us. But in the sanctuary, there was none of that.

I realize not everyone can retreat into a silent sanctuary and just be still and silent. But taking just five minutes can drastically improve mental health. I hope to build those five minutes into much longer periods of silence and listening.

Just not at work, of course. ;)

Unending Grace

A few weeks ago things seemed very bleak as I processed possibly losing my grandmother. Her prognosis looked rather dim and there was a chance she wouldn’t be with us much longer.

She had surgery a little over two weeks ago to remove tumors from her bladder. However, when the surgeon reported back to our family afterward, he was happy to say he couldn’t find any. He took a few samples to make certain and those tests came back saying there is no cancer. They think her stubborn UTI was showing up as a mass on the scans, or it was simply a miracle. There’s still possibly a mass hiding behind her kidney, but that will be addressed later.

But for now, Grandma is doing great. Her energy has returned and this week she and my grandpa are taking a trip back to Minnesota to visit friends and family.

I think this whole process has really nailed down the idea of grace for me yet again. I struggle so much with grace. I can never quite grasp the fact that even though I don’t deserve grace, God still pours it out. I was in no place to even begin to think of losing my grandmother. Now we have been given the grace of more time.

I also experienced grace a lot this past semester. There was one particular day when I had two substantial papers due. It was any student’s nightmare. Especially an English major who is so good at procrastinating. I managed to finish one, and almost finish the other one, which I knew was a draft as we were spending time editing papers in class that day. During my first class that day, our professor said she herself had an intense week and that we could hand in our papers the following week. I nearly broke down in tears, partly out of relief, but also frustration.  I considered skipping the one class, finish the paper, submit it a bit late, and miss the editing process. But I went to class anyway, and was one of the 10 students who showed up. The final copy was due the final week. Grace was again poured out as I had an entire week to polish both papers. I pulled off exceptional grades on both, which I really didn’t feel like I deserved. I know I didn’t put as much time into them as I should have and both professors remarked that they could tell I put a lot of thought into the papers. That is partly true. I definitely thought about them a lot, but that didn’t always translate into doing the actual writing.

I think God realizes how much I struggle with grace. He continually finds ways to lavish it on me. After one summer job fell through, I was asked to be interim administrate assistant at my church. I never really wanted to be a church secretary again after the last time, but this felt so right. I know the staff well, and in general the atmosphere is light and positive. I’m looking forward to my summer spent in the office. Grace yet again.

All these things are helping me to accept grace. One of my favorite hymns has been running through my head the past few weeks:

Marvelous, infinite, matchless grace,
Freely bestowed on all who believe!”

His grace never ends, it never runs out.

Goodbyes

I have been dreading writing about this again ever since my maternal grandma passed away nine years ago. Grandma had always been a bit frail as long as I could remember, and with congestive heart failure, I always knew it was only a matter of time until I had to say goodbye. I was upset, yet prepared, when she left us.

I was left with only my grandparents on my dad’s side, and at that point in time, they seemed invincible. They travelled all over the country, lived easily on their own, and even made a big move back to the East coast a few years ago. I was elated to finally spend time with them on a regular basis. We celebrated Grandma’s 90th birthday a year and a half ago, and Grandpa’s 95th just this past March. As long as I can remember, they both have been energetic and healthy.

But in the last few weeks, my grandma has been having health issues. Pain, nausea, and general discomfort. The doctors say cancer. No one can agree on exactly what it is, or how much time she may or may not have left.

Typically, my grandma is very talkative, but after an appointment last week, we sat at her kitchen table in silence. I think we both knew time was winding down, but how do you even acknowledge that?

I am not ready for this. How does one ever prepare to lose someone so close and dear to them?

As cliché as it sounds, all I can do is make the most of the time left. It could be a few months, or longer. There are still pies to bake, and scones to try, and if we’re really lucky, a trip to Chesapeake, Newport News, and Virginia Beach. I suppose only time will tell at what memories are left to be made.

Memories… let them fill your mind, warm your heart, and lead you through.”

 

 

Procrastination at its Finest

I have two papers due on Thursday so naturally I’m writing here instead. It seems to help to clear my head before I begin concentrating on academic matters.

A lot of things have been on my mind lately. Classes are nearly over, and next semester should be my last. Of course, God loves to throw curve balls, so it may not be. I’m starting to look at my options after I finish, and as usual, I’m overwhelmed. I was talking to my pastor about that on Sunday and he encouraged me to view those options as a positive. I know that in my head, but it’s still a lot to think about.

I want to do something that fulfills me. I don’t need to make a lot of money. I want enough to be comfortable, as well as afford to travel. Other than that, I just want to work in a job that brings life to me as well as others.

I recently took the Myers-Briggs test again. I tested as an ISFP. Having identified as an ENFJ since high school, this was a bit shocking. I took the test another 3 times to be sure. ISFP every time. So I took it on another site. Still ISFP. I need to do some research into this and think about if this actually matters in my daily life. I do think the Myers-Briggs assessment offers some good insights into personality types, but I don’t think it should necessarily define a person and keep them in a box.

I recently invested in a Fitbit fitness tracker. I have to admit, I was a bit cynical about the device when they first arrived on the scene. But lately I have become more aware that leading a sedentary lifestyle is harmful, especially to future me. I’m planning on writing more about how my habits have changed in the last few weeks, but I want to give it some more time to really track my progress. I will say I have become much more active in little ways daily and I do feel much better, physically and emotionally.

I’m looking forward to this semester ending and getting to travel again. I’m planing on finally visiting Virginia again, specifically the area that my dad’s family is from. My grandmother’s family arrived in Mt. Pleasant (a neighborhood of Chesapeake, VA) in the early 1900’s and were leaders in a church there. I’m excited to also visit Newport News and see the home my grandfather helped his father build when he was a teen. I can see the places where my mom’s family has lived, worked, etc, very easily, so I’m looking forward to the family history in Virginia. Other trips include Pittsburgh, Baltimore, and Philadelphia. I’m also considering another trip to California in celebration of my 30th birthday. Hopefully that’ll cushion the blow of turning 30. The other week I was asked if I was still in the youth group at church, so at least I still look young.

After seeing the new Beauty and the Beast movie, I have been steadily listening to the soundtrack. It’s a perfect accompaniment to writing papers.

Which, speaking of papers, is exactly what I should go focus on.

Overanalyzing and English

Overanalyzing has always been my curse. I’ve always looked for deeper meanings behind conversions, events, and interactions. I struggle with not taking things at face value. Someone says one thing, and I spiral into an inner dialogue about what was meant behind it, how it was said, and why it was said.

It’s so frustrating to live this way.

I always wondered why my brain operates this way, but I never got a clear reason.

However, I might have gotten a clue the other day in my one English class. My professor is one I had a few years ago and we didn’t jive too well back then. However, this semester she is becoming one of my favorite professors, along with a few others.

We had just wrapped up Ulysses (well, most of it, anyway) and we were discussing our final thoughts on the book. James Joyce was so innovative (and frustrating, if I’m being honest) who saw and wrote about the world very differently than anyone before him.

As most of us were complaining about him, our professor asked an interesting question.

Do you think because you are English majors, you view and experience the world differently?”

At first I wasn’t entirely sure what she meant. But then a classmate brought up how she constantly feels a few steps behind everyone because she’s trying to figure out what a certain conversation or event meant.

Well, that sure sounded and felt like me.

It never occurred to me to connect my overanalyzing to my aptitude in English.

As an English major, I am taught to search out deeper meanings in literature as well as in any form of communication. I assumed that I just picked up that skill easily and that was what led me to pursue English. But perhaps my tendency of overanalyzing is why I relate so deeply with the study of English.

I certainly have my gripes with teachers pushing students too hard to find deeper meanings in something simple, such as why curtains are a certain color. There isn’t always a deeper, hidden meaning and it can be very frustrating to put so much time into that. But frequently there is a lesson to be learned that isn’t spelled out in black and white. You have to look for it. You engage with the author and enter their world.

Literature exists to teach us about life but it is also meant to be enjoyed. 

I think that’s what I need to remember. Sometimes I need to be searching for deeper meanings and lessons in life, but other times I just need to enjoy life as it is.

Winter is like…

that really long, annoying song that plays over and over and no one turns it off.

Winter is like that family reunion you really don’t want to go to.

Winter is being stuck in a traffic jam with no hope of moving for six hours.

Winter is like listening to President Trump speak.

Winter is forgetting your cup of hot tea on the counter and coming back to it cold.

Winter is like burning cookies.

Winter is like missing your connecting flight.

Winter is like getting to your favorite coffee shop right as it closes for the night.

Winter feels like getting stuck in a conversation you want no part in.

Winter is like reading a 45 page legal contract.

Winter is like getting in the express checkout lane and having someone with 27 items in their cart in front of you.

Winter feels like Netflix trying to load after losing connection.

Winter is like driving through fog praying for a glimpse of the sun.

Winter is like trying to write in the middle of terrible writer’s block.

But spring is like…